It’s recently come to my attention that when it comes to forming new habits, your personality type has a lot to do with what methods are going to work for you and what methods are going to hinder your growth.
Gretchen Rubin, in her book Better than Before, brilliantly identified four types of people:
The Upholder
The Questioner
The Obliger
The Rebel
The four types are based on how people respond to expectations.
Outer expectations are imposed on you by other people, like a deadline for a school paper or when your boss asks you to do a task.
Inner expectations are imposed on you by yourself, like eat vegetables every day for breakfast for 365 days or go to the gym five days a week.In a nutshell:
Upholders respond readily to outer and inner expectations. My oldest daughter is an Upholder.
Questioners question all expectations; they’ll meet an expectation if they think it makes sense; essentially, they make all expectations into inner expectations. My middle daughter is a Questioner.
Obligers meet outer expectations, but struggle to meet expectations they impose on themselves. I am an Obliger. I often label myself a “people pleaser.”
Rebels resist all expectations, outer and inner alike. Simply by asking a rebel to do something, sets off a primal reaction in them NOT to do whatever was asked of them. In life, they have to work very hard to fight this tendency in order to function in school, in a workplace or in a family unit. My husband and son are Rebels.
When I was reading Rubin’s book, I was like “I know these types really well!”
If you can’t easily identify which type you are, Rubin has this handy dandy quiz on her website that you can take.
You may cross over into more than one category, but most people will find that one category mostly describes them.
While I was reading Better than Before I had all of these light bulb moments! Rubin helped me to understand that as an Obliger I need outside expectations if I want to achieve even my own goals. And this made so much sense to me. I did amazingly well at the times in my life when I was going to a weekly weigh in at a Weight Watchers meeting. I thrive in the group support environments in private Facebook groups. I enjoy having a “leader” or guru-type at the helm so that I can work to make them proud (unless my leader/teacher/guru gets abusive-then I will eventually run!).It’s exactly why I started this blog almost 8 years ago. I had a hunch that if I didn’t put myself out there publicly, that I would revert to my old bad eating habits. And I was so right! Keeping up with this blog, and having you guys along for my ride, has made a huge difference for me!
If left to my own devices, with no one to “see” what I’m up to, I turn into a couch potato. I’m a classic Obliger.
Before reading the book, I had already had a sneaking suspicion about this stuff. That’s why I chose to join Bright Line Eating. I know full well that I do best when outside expectations are present and that I am accountable to something outside of myself. If I was just floating around out here out on my own, I would revert to the me that just eats whatever I want, whenever I want, and that never ends well! Believe me, it wasn’t the weighing of my food that drew me to the program! It was the SUPPORT.
So given that this is my reality, a few days ago I decided that upping my level of support was highly necessary for me to comply with the structure of Bright Line Eating. If you aren’t familiar with the program, the four Bright Lines are No sugar, No flour, Meals and Quantities. I tend to struggle most with Meals. My mind can often convince me that I deserve to eat more healthy food outside of mealtimes even though I really do want to stick to this plan. I struggle with surrendering to the idea that the food that I am eating is enough. I pretty much always want more, more, more healthy food!
I upped my outside accountability by reaching out and asking the long time members if there was someone who would like to be my Sponsor in the classic 12-Step recovery sense of the word. Someone who I commit my food to each day and report back to whether I stuck to my plan or not.
A sponsor who would scold me or judge me for my imperfections and foibles wouldn’t work in the long run (remember, I don’t respond well to feeling abused). A loving presence and well intentioned daily guidance is exactly what I need. When I stumble, I need to bounce ideas off of someone and have my thoughts challenged. It works really well for my Obliger personality type.
When I received this private message yesterday from one HGK reader, I knew I needed to blog about this subject of sponsors and accountability buddies:
Ok, so I’m a fan and love following you and all that gorgeous honesty. Thank you! That said, I’ve just found the willingness to change my thinking around my eating given my first weight gain I don’t like that I just don’t lose. I don’t diet. Any sense of restriction and I eat double. Gently keeping an eye to my goal…yes. I’m there. 5 lbs at a time per Becks thinking is nice. This will be a slow process, I’m a slow learner, but …here goes. So I’m looking for a diet buddy I can contact daily and I don’t have a clue how to be OK with asking. I won’t ask friends, so maybe on line..? Or you have any other ideas I’m open to suggestions!
I asked if I could assist her in finding a buddy. I also wanted to know more about her so that the right buddy could be identified. So here is more about our friend:
Laid back and accepting would work with me. I am a slow changer and trying to go from meat and potatoes at every meal as a religion to I even occasionally forget meat for a meal. That has taken years of effort. I didn’t eat green food before 30 and I’m 41 now. Sooo…totally ok with my pace: ) Age (though older is better IMO) and location (and I am in Columbus!) matter to me less. I can text, email or call. I have 33 food sensitivities per a blood test two years ago but I know which foods make me feel yuck (bread, eggs, dairy sugar of course). After that Beck Diet for life initial eating plan at 2000 calories per day. Some would say I have 40 lbs to lose I suppose, but I’d be happy with a lifetime eating skill set so I don’t end up as sick as my parents in their last years.
Besides having my BLE Sponsor, I also have a few buddies in the program that I text throughout the day (our check ins!). It’s a totally different kind of relationship than the one I have with my Sponsor. I don’t commit my food to them, we just simply support each other and it raises my level of awareness so that I don’t fall asleep at the wheel and eat something that I didn’t want to eat.
So, which of the four types are YOU?
If having a Buddy is something that appeals to you, and you need help finding someone, please leave a comment below. Maybe you feel that our friend who reached out to me might be a good buddy for you? If so, let her know in the comments!Bottom line is that we are all different. But knowing yourself and what tends to work really well for you is a piece of this puzzle that can’t be ignored.
If having a Buddy is something that appeals to you, and you need help finding someone, please leave a comment below. Maybe you feel that our friend who reached out to me might be a good buddy for you? If so, let her know in the comments!Bottom line is that we are all different. But knowing yourself and what tends to work really well for you is a piece of this puzzle that can’t be ignored.
xoxo,
Wendy
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