Before I dive in to the story of how I went from being one of the most dieting obsessed people on the planet to a person that is not currently trying to change my body, it might help to have a short refresher on the history of my experiment. I began writing this blog about ten years ago, after I had quickly lost forty pounds on Weight Watchers (later to become a total of fifty pounds). On a whim, I started blogging with one question in mind, “How do thin people stay thin?”
I began interviewing my thin friends and I wrote about it. I researched the subject and quickly got enmeshed with a group of wonderful folks who were selling the idea that it was animal foods that were causing all of the ails in the world. It was meat and dairy that were not simply causing the obesity epidemic, but were the cause of the big three killers-heart disease, diabetes and cancer.
Of course it didn’t hurt that I tend toward the thinking that animal suffering is something that I’d prefer to avoid, and I had been a vegetarian for ethical reasons for a decade before my big dieting experiment even began. So convincing me to become a plant eater only (aka and for lack of a better word, a Vegan) was actually super duper easy.
So I dropped Weight Watchers like a hot potato (I was starving and wanted to eat!) and began what became a period of what I now understand to be refeeding. I ate from the entire variety of plant foods (except oils and most processed Vegan junk food) and over the course of the next few years gained all fifty pounds back.
I was totally befuddled. How could the world’s most perfect diet, the Whole Food, Plant Based diet, fail me so completely and totally?
I was embarrassed and frustrated, to say the least. I thought I was a poor example of the health benefits of a WFPB diet.
Even though I had never had a significant health problem in my life, I was totally convinced that my body fat was a sign of dis-ease (that was sure to come if I stayed this way!) and bad character traits (gluttony . . .I must be a real pig if I weight this much!).
I never for one moment ever considered that I was healthy.
Everything became about how much I weighed, what I looked like in my clothes, how I could perform in an exercise class, how I represented the WFPB diet to the rest of society, etc. etc.
I sought plant-based diet after plant-based diet looking for the answers.
I eliminated more and more foods.
I became convinced that I must be a food addict. (I’m not, I never was, and I’ll tell you why in another blog post.)
I began to plan every bite of food.
I weighed and measured every ounce of food that I ate.
Instead of feeling free, instead of having a great relationship with my body and with food, I became stressed out all the time. Every meal was an opportunity to be self critical. The perfectionist in me was running wild. Social events and restaurants weren’t all that fun, because I was on high alert about what I was and was not eating. Nothing I did felt fun or creative anymore. My days were spent making sure that I had the right foods in the house and was eating them in the right quantities.
And of course, beating the crap out of myself for not doing “the plan” perfectly enough and for losing it with food every few days.
I did lose weight.
I was “thin” again.
It should have been great!
It was never enough.
Thinner became the goal. (Is anyone reading this as triggered as I am by the statement, “Don’t get so wrapped up in setting a goal weight number because you’ll be surprised at how much lower you can go on this plan.” If that’s not setting perfectionists like me up for anorexia and body dismorphia, well then . . .)
I still hated my body.
I began binge eating again.
And instead of trying to figure out how to lose weight and stay “thin” (I’ve got that covered now, you can ask me and I know how it’s done!) I began to try to figure out how I was going to stop my binge eating disorder. Stopping my binge eating because my new preoccupation. When I secretly landed in a psychiatrist’s office and he told me that it was normal and that I should take one of these happy pills, it didn’t even occur to me that something was very wrong.
As I write this now I can see that I was both anorexic and bulimic without even knowing it. In Bright Line Eating we called this “Simply Resume.” I now understand it to be the “Binge Restrict Cycle.” I was eating around 1200 calories per day and every few days I would binge. The next morning I would get right back on the horse and restrict again. It never occurred to me that eating only 1200 calories per day was considered restrictive. I simply thought this is what I need to do in order to stay thin.
It never occurred to me that the restriction was causing the binging.
It never occurred to me that this would be unmanageable.
Or unsustainable.
And no one, including the whole host of professionals that I was working with, clued me into that fact. (Until I found a whole new set of “professionals.”)
Either they didn’t know it or they were in so much denial about the negative effects of dieting that they simply couldn’t face up to the fact that their diets were causing as much if not more trauma then they were curing.
At some point, I knew I just needed to be eating more food, and that’s where the shift began to occur. Little did I know I’d end up where I am now-and that story is coming, I promise!
But in my next blog post, I’m going to introduce three profound ideas that were totally new for me, and that have been informing my decisions every day since I became aware and educated about them:
Concept#1, The Thin Ideal/People Come in All Shapes and Sizes
Concept #2: Health at Every Size
Concept #3: Losing Weight Probably Won’t Leave You Happy With Your Body (aka Internalized Weight Stigma), but You’ll Sure Have a Lot of Other Messed Up Psychological Stuff Going On
Glad to see you blogging again, Wendy. I’ve been following your blog and FB presence off and on for about eight years and identifying with a lot of it. As you know, I’m doing BLE now and finding much peace with it, but I totally understand we all have different needs. I look forward to your sharing where you are now and where you’ll be in the future. Much love to you!
You have no idea how happy it makes me that folks like you are finding peace with food through BLE. I totally believe that the program works for the people that the stars align for! It’s truly a miracle. Problem is, you don’t know if you are one of the chosen until you try it. And if your’re not, and you give it up right away, it probably doesn’t cause any long term damage. But if you are like me and you are a perfectionist and you don’t give up the restriction when it’s so clear that it’s not healthy for you, then it actually has serious long term effects on your metabolism that never reverse themselves. So I’ll end up even fatter in the end than when I started. My body wants to put this weight back on like nobody’s business. The only way I could have sustained a thin body was starvation levels of calories and I never would have had peace with food or a happy life with that amount of stress.
Wow…I am right there with you. I have been following your blog for several years now Wendy, and have eaten plant based since 2011… Nutritarian, UWL, BLE (both very restrictive), and felt like a failure at times…but as I get older I am getting less perfectionist, more accepting of my body and who I am….I want to be healthy and happy and fulfilled…I want to find things daily to be grateful for and find awe in everyday life. I want to learn new things but not feel like I need to jump in and immerse myself in it….I like where it sounds you are going…
I’ve been dieting my whole life…and the crappy thing is that I was never really overweight. Never really had a healthy relationship with food I guess. It was a distraction. Seeing you evolve from all your dietary experimentation has been helpful to me. I imagine that the death of your father and you becoming your mom’s caretaker has given you a new outlook on what’s important. To think one would spend their whole life unhappy with their body is depressing to me. If I don’t make a change now, that will be me. So thank you. Maybe I’ll donate all my diet books and start 2018 believing there is nothing wrong with me! ?
The phenomenon that you write about is epidemic. I started to get wind of it when I began coaching people. The number of women who were seeking help with their diets that had absolutely no weight problem was ASTOUNDING. That was a clue for me that something was very, very wrong with this picture. Now I understand most if not all of the phenomenon. I’m sorry that you are having this experience. I’m sorry that you have had your life stolen. You still have time. You can still be freed. Just keep reading. I will lead you in a different direction. There is a whole other world out there where actual peace and freedom with food exists.
I am 66 and still battling with body i,age which laughably only gets worse as we age. I did have success with plant based eating and I know when I’m eating sugar I ache and gain a little weight. I can totally overeat on plants, just like you said. There is no magic bullet. We have to come to find peace and emotional healing within ourselves before we will find peace with our food. I have ceased trying to be perfect in my eating. I love Chef AJ but her seeming diet perfection and rapid speech pattern gives me anxiety.
We do the best we can do each day. I’m sorry you have eating disorders. That is a heavy load. I hope you have been able to find the right people to help you find peace with your food. When you started Bright Line I knew that wasn’t for me. I had tried measuring everything before and knew my personality wanted and needed a simpler way. Now I just do the best I can each day and forgive and allow myself a treat. I don’t want to live forever.
Actually, I don’t think I ever had an eating disorder outside of the context of dieting. Now that I’m no longer dieting, all strange eating behavior ceases to exist for me. So I consider myself someone who thought I had an eating disorder and now knows that THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH ME. LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have maintained 90 pounds weight loss for 18 months, WFPB, and eat around 1600-2000 calories a day. I exercise daily, walking for an hour. I go to therapy twice a week, in addition to a weekly nutrition class at my hospital. I believe my success is due to making self care a priority, and learning how not to obsess over food and deal with anxieties of daily life. I’m not at my goal weight or ideal appearance, but I keep it in perspective. I’m healthy and have plenty of energy for the things I like to do. I do care deeply about animals suffering for our food and clothes.
You go girl! Thanks for sharing your experience. Curious is you would categorize yourself as a perfectionist like I do. That might make a big difference in the outcomes of dieting . . . just a hunch!
I do not consider myself a perfectionist, Wendy. I don’t try to eat perfectly every meal, but I have slowly developed new habits that have been immensely helpful. Like tracking my food intake daily. I tracked for two months during the holidays, and didn’t gain any weight. The last three days I slacked off, but I’ll get back to it!
Great blog post! I could have said the same things, exactly!! I am so tired of feeling like “I am a failure”, “something’s wrong with me”, etc. just because I don’t weigh a certain number. Dieting has made me think the worst of myself & has stolen my joy for way to long.
Now, I am concentrating on eating healthy foods & doing the kinds of exercise that will benefit me mind, body & spirit.
I am about to turn 58 and have finally realized that all I want is good health and a happy heart.
I’ve battled a weight problem on and off for over 40 years. But I never have had such misery over eating since 2011 when I spilled across the WFPB dieting. I was mostly vegetarian prior to that, never liking meat flavor or texture since I was a little child. But since I tend to be a little on the perfectionist side myself (cough, cough –more than a little!), I began to see where my beating myself up when I had something “not on plan” would send me down a path of self hatred. I would bully myself like nobody’s business. And I refuse to divorce my husband if he’s not going to eat like me as recommended by a certain program leader out there. When I backed away from all the “rules” and “lines” and realized I didn’t eat all that bad, things have started to fall into place allowing me to have peace with food. I still eat 98% WFPB because I enjoy that food. But if I’m served something at a friend/family’s home that’s not 100% WFPB, I don’t begin the journey down into the pit right after eating. I’m trying to gain back the reason for that meal – true fellowship with people that mean a lot to me. I’m not bringing my own cooler of food and offending someone. It’s one meal and it’s not every day or every week. I do my best and LIVE. Something I haven’t done for the last 5-6 years. Peace with food is my intention for 2018. My health both physically and emotionally is improving quite well over the last couple months. And no longer am I super, over stressed about what I’m going to eat, what I just ate or what do people think of how I eat. I eat WFPB and now so does my husband. Are we 100% “compliant” (hate that term) every single day? No we are not. But we are pretty darn close, and for me, at this point I am a-okay with that. Thanks Wendy. for the topic of this post.
Tammy,
Did you see Dr. McDougall’s webinar from Monday Jan 15th? He mentioned how on Thanksgiving he and his wife were invited to a neighbor’s home for Thanksgiving. Since the CA wildfires they’ve been without a home, moving from place to place, staying in furnished rentals. Dr. McD said he was hesitant, because, well, he’s Dr. McD of the whole food plan thing, but his wife immediately said Yes! They went, ate all the traditional foods, including turkey and all the fixings, and he said he loved every bite of it.
It was the people, NOT the food!!!! We need to give ourselves way more grace than we do. And the people that invited them were blessed to share a meal with them and help them in a way they could. Thanks for sharing the story, I had not seen it!!
I LOVE that !
This is great!!
That attitude enhances my respect for the man and his loving and supportive wife. What a sane way to live. I went vegan last year for my daughter, and I have been butting up against family members and friends all year. It has been enormously stressful. Over the holidays I let myself have a bite of grandma’s pecan pie (it was disgusting… I could taste the lard…) but I didn’t tell HER that. This little permission I gave myself felt so freeing. I felt like I had been holding my breath all year long. Unfortunately for me, it also triggered this bizarre refeeding where I’ve been eating anything I’ve craved over the last year and I’ve gained 9 lbs. So, here I am looking for the “answers” again… sigh…
I am so with you on hating the term ‘compliant’! Every time they use it, I feel like they are chastising unruly children. Or when she insists that you can force your children to eat on plan. I am truly sorry that she was never able to have children, but that being the case, how can she possibly know how to deal with them?
You sound like your head is in a great place. Good luck!
Hi Wendy,
I have to say I’m enjoying your current blogging now as it feels more real. Not that it wasn’t before but I guess it’s more in line where I am at. I quit Weight Watchers about a year ago and that’s because I finally got to the point where I was tired of fighting the fight. I still could do to lose weight without a doubt but I really believe it’s more about moving my body. I do eat WFPB as I’m the happiest here. I try to stay away from junk food and wine but truly it’s an every now and agin thing so I’m not stressing. I donated all my self help books and spend more time reading a really good book! I guess I’m moving towards a more “Zen” life and I don’t really care what people think. Welcome back Wendy you sound more happy and less stressed in your writing if that makes sense!!
Thank you, Wendy, for your honest and heartfelt blog posts…Most of all, thank you for introducing me to Intuitive Eating! After being on the restrict-binge-restrict rollercoaster for over 40 years, I’m ready to get off. I’m so relieved to have found a place where I can receive support on this sometimes scary journey of letting go of the diet mentality. Again, thank you!
Nice to hear your voice, again. Thanks, always, for sharing.
I lost around 50 lb doing Chef AJ’s WFPB, SOS-free way of eating—IMPERFECTLY. It took a long time, around 2 years. But slow weight loss and eating in a way that felt sustainable made/makes more sense to me.
I have kept most of it off for 2 years, putting back a few lb, and then taking them off. Zooming up 5 lb, inching back down. That is the price I pay for imperfection. But it is the longest I have sustained weighing less than It says on my driver’s license. I love eating veggies for breakfast. I love eating plenty—of sweet potatoes, lentils, cooked veggies, salads….
I am not a Superstar at weight loss, and I still need to work exercise into my life. But I have stopped both beating myself up AND yo-yo’ing 50 lb.
Thanks so much, Wendy! I decided to drop the diet/shape shifting mentality in late October. And let me just say, the pendulum is swinging back and forth. I am definitely more free and easy around food. Body acceptance is a work in progress for me. Every single day I have to remind myself that there is nothing wrong with me, and that I am not valued for the number on the scale, the size of my clothes, or the food I choose to eat. I’m using the time and mental energy I put into dieting and “support” for new, mind-expanding, soul-nurturing endeavors. In the last three months, I have learned that I feel and function best when I eat highly nutritious food- and how I accomplish that changes day-to-day. I also know that I can eat formerly “forbidden” foods just as a “normal” person does. I’ve learned through trial and error that a little structure and common sense help build my trust with myself. I haven’t weighed myself, so I don’t know my numbers- and that is a beautiful thing! Some of my clothes fit differently, and I am learning to be okay with that. Instead of focusing on those changes, I’m noticing that no one is treating me any differently or loving me less. We enjoy eating as a family again- at home and at restaurants. I can see that living with someone who’s a little softer around the edges is far better than someone who is rigid and controlling. Thanks for sharing your story with us! xoxox
??❤️
Learning a lot of you my dear Lori:-) xo
I resonate with your shift. How wonderful that you can be a beacon for others who are searching for a more sustainable, compassionate approach to relating to themselves and with food. No matter what a persons dietary choices are, peace can be reclaimed, re-stored and self-love can be nurtured. I applaud you for following your heart on this path and for keeping it real. I look forward to reading more about your process. Imhavs much appreciation for all that you have shared along the way.
For me, when I began weighing and measuring for BLE last year, my internal alarms began ringing immediately “this is not sustainable”! I tried to override them for several months. I thought that the peace around food which had always alluded me would be found via this path. It wasn’t. I can see it works for many others, but for me, that level of vigilance and restriction (for example. beating myself up for bites, licks and tastes ) just gave rise to my inner diet bully. I was at war with myself and with food. Since I believe everything that happens in life is purposeful, I see that trying a weighing and measuring program which for me, led to an extreme obsession with dietary perfection , was a necessary step on my path. It woke up the most abusive inner critic voices and showed me clearly what I needed to,release in order to live at peace with myself.
Since leaving BLE, I have been exploring mindfulness, compassion, acceptance, and self-love. I am loving myself more and enjoying food much more and letting the diet bully voices subside as I have made a shift to enjoy my life and eating, while following the dietary path I prefer , imperfectly. Peace is my goal these days, not a perfect body, or a perfect diet. For me , several books have been extremely helpful, 2 of which are “Women Food and God” and “The Mindful Vegan”. Though the second book is primarily written for vegans, much of what is shared is universally applicable for all of us seeking compassion toward ourselves and with food.
All the best to everyone on this journey, no matter which path is being chosen,
Elena
So happy to hear that you have found what works for you! There is no one way – everything you tried works for some, but created issues for you. I am very happy that you kept searching for your path to wholeness and wellness. Thanks for sharing and I look forward to learning more from you.
Glad you found peace. So you can have just one chip? My doctor told me to loose weight. My husband brings in junk food and I eat that then I’m not hungry for the good stuff. I Don’t mind being “fat” but I need to do this for my health. Yep every one’s path different ?
You just told my story more or less!! I’m 72 and still battling the weight, body image thing. I just stopped weighing about 2 weeks ago. Thanks to your blog, I think I can shift this. I’ve dropped the weigh measure thing and I just need to eat what makes me feel well.
Wendy thank you for sharing your story. I think you hit the nail on the head. We all have to find our own way on this tangled road of life.
I’m glad you finally found peace with your food.
It’s not easy but it is possible. Good for you.
I’m a Bright Lifer and proud to share this road with you.
Thanks for this Wendy. As you were going through different stages and I was reading along, all the time there was a voice in my head telling me it was just trading one obsession for another. I had to drop out of one particular Facebook group because the founder was so combative and yes, obsessive. (plus she looks so thin it seems unhealthy to me) I just want to NOT be obsessed with food! While I am still vegetarian, some days there’s a little dairy, some days there’s processed but I no longer beat myself up. I’m heavier than I’ve ever been, but it’s not horrible. I’m healthy, active, and happy. As someone I do respect says… progress, not perfection. I’d love to lose 20 pounds and maybe I will, but in the meantime, I’m focused on happy… I look forward to reading what’s coming from you and learning where you are now. You’ve always been gracious about everything and it’s much appreciated in this crazy world.
Wendy, you are remarkable. I enjoyed this blog and I have a very similar history. I am not giving up certain aspects of BLE, but I certainly do it my way though everyone would say that I break my vase every day. There is an art form though that believes in repairing the cracks in a broken vase with pure gold. That is what I’m choosing to do. I look forward to your next blog ❤️. Thank you so much for you being you.
Love, Gale
Beautiful Gale:)
Like many who have responded, my story is very similar to yours. The more I would restrict, the more I binged. My BLE “failure” led to one of my worst binging periods. I was always drawn to Intuitive eating but still struggled with binging. A book that changed my life is Brain Over Binge by Kathryn Hansen. She was a binge eater/bulimic who was able to cure herself with a change in thinking/perspective. She feels strongly that restricting and thinking our overeating is due to emotional reasons is what perpetuates the cycle. I was skeptical at first but utilizing some of her ideas has allowed me to stop binging and even overeating. I have been completely binge free for 7 months. This is revolutionary considering that for the past 20 years I’ve never gone more than 2 weeks without a binge (or at least significant overeating). I feel completely cured. I’m now able to eat mindfully allowing my body to tell me what it needs. I was very obese and have lost over 70 pounds since I stopped binging. Please feel free to reach out if there’s anything I can do to support your journey.
Brain Over Binge changed my life as well! Thank you for sharing this important information Bridget!
Wendy, I love your blog. I, like so many people, beat myself up for food choices and IT. DRIVES. ME. CRAZY. I’m super confident in every other aspect of my life and I’m certain if people could hear the internal dialogue that I have with food they would be surprised. Facebook groups can be really judgemental so I stay clear of those. But I sure do love your blog. Stay strong, girl!
Oh my gosh. You pretty much summed up what happened to me!! I was never at peace and totally happy with my body as long as I was restricting what I ate! I no longer diet, either! I still try to make wise food choices whenever possible. It just isn’t worth dieting when you are always so miserable!
Thanks for sharing your journey with us Wendy. So cool to know you are being freed, and now can become more of who you really are.
I did 5 years of intuitive eating, and could never maintain my wight loss number, . Finding BLE was a wonderful thing for me, but knowing how crazy i can get with rules, i , from the start, decided that i would not be crazy about l/8th of an oz. over or under. and i deliberately licked the spoon, just to keep the flexibility in my food, and not get insane. and i stopped punishing myself about 6 years ago, when i dropped the shame….[i just read, ..Perfectionism is a product of shame…] It has worked. Its been about a year, and my weight, for the first time in my life, has maintained. I am 75 years old. Grateful to be free of cravings. …
Yes, we all have a different path. an I am okay with that. Peace with food is such a blessings. Grace and Mercy to/from myself is so sweet…. Love you Wendy…..
I wish I knew then what I know now!!!! I did have my suspicions though and I went into the BLE experiment with a lot of hesitation about how I would handle it as a perfectionist. Now I think that it may have been those tendencies that ended up kind of protecting me from something that was unnecessary and not where my true healthy mind was going to be found. I truly wish this wasn’t the case, as being in a smaller body did actually feel better. Adjusting to my new reality isn’t much fun,
Hi Wendy,
Phenomenal post! Our paths are quite similar(weight watchers to WFPB to UWL to BLE and now thankfully to IE).
While I am still working on accepting my new shape, I am so grateful to finally finding peace with food. The “mind chatter” that had accompanied every bite I ate for the last thirty years has finally gone quiet. That is a bigger reward than I ever could have imagined. It took having my hair fall out and spending months utterly exhausted to realize that BLE was not healthy for me(I’m sorry, but bunny slippers are not the answer to chronic exhaustion). I finally realized that Peace does taste better than thin feels(thin never actually felt that good). While I do wish I could have come to IE before doing BLE and maybe not messing up my metabolism ever more, I’ve accepted that everything comes when it’s supposed to.
Thank you for your honesty and willingness to share. Eagerly looking forward to your next post!
Nicki
Wow, we really do have incredibly similar stories! Hair falling out, chronic fatigue . . .starvation does that to a body!
Hi, I just discovered your site while searching for more info on Chef AJ. I read here that she doesn’t eat most of her recipes and only uses rice and potatoes as starch. Also that she adopted intermittent fasting.
I was confused so emailed her and she replied that she eats all things in her u tubes except nuts and seeds.
The reason I ask is because you both are inspiring but her info seems to switch around. Can you clarify for me please? I’m trying to get this right?
I’m sorry, I’m trying to understand what you mean by “get this right.” Can you expand on that question?
Hi Wendy,
I just stumbled across your site in my own personal journey in WFPBNO. Your story resonates with me. Can’t wait to read some more!
Totally!
we need more blogs like this. Means alot to me to see people helping and confiding in one another about such a sensitive and important issue.
Wendy!!!!!
Are you blogging about me again! Lol