At the risk of revealing my own stupidity, in the next six blog posts I’m going to write about subjects that up until recently were TOTALLY foreign to me:
- The Thin Ideal
- Health at Every Size
- Last Supper Eating and how my “food obsession,” “food addiction” and “binge eating disorder” magically disappeared once I stopped dieting
- How diets (aka caloric restriction) are most likely a major component of the obesity epidemic
- Body Positivity, Body Respect, Body Love AND how to get yourself some-a-dat
- Outstanding resources that explain all of this in greater detail
You may already be very aware of one or all of these concepts, but sadly, I was not!
I like to use the analogy of the movie The Matrix to describe how I feel about these things. I was asleep. I’m now awake. And once I saw, I found it impossible to unsee or to go back to sleep.
The slang term “woke” comes to mind, so I looked it up on Urban Dictionary, and look what I found as definition number three:
“Getting woke is like being in the Matrix and taking the red pill. You get a sudden understanding of what’s really going on and find out you were wrong about much of what you understood to be truth.”
Well, there it is.
I’m woke.
Is that even how you say it?
Perhaps I’m too old to use the term correctly, but that’s how I feel about The Thin Ideal.
Let me go back in time a little to when I first got the idea that I was too big and that there was something wrong with me. It came from my parents and grandaparents, for sure. But why did they think that?
And why, even if I was too big in their eyes, did I ever get the idea that I needed to shrink myself?
I wanted to be loved.
That’s a normal human experience. You see, we human babies need our caregivers to ensure our very survival, so it has been programmed (ie evolution) into us for a million years that we had better get these adult humans around us to love us, otherwise they’re gonna leave us on the side of the road for dead when the going getstough (famines, wars, the pain-in-the-ass teenage years). I think that’s why babies are so cute.
So when my parents began expressing their displeasure about the fat on my body, I automatically and very subconsciously assumed that I needed to get rid of it or my parents wouldn’t love and accept me and bad things would happen (I would surely die).
Now, were my parents and grandparents some kind of monsters?
Hardly! They were wonderful, hardworking, law-abiding citizens.
But they were living in the matrix of The Thin Ideal too, and they didn’t know anything else.
Please understand, all of this is going on at a very subconscious level and you are probably totally unaware of it all.
So what is The Thin Ideal?
Here’s how Wikipedia explains it:
The Thin Ideal is the concept of the ideally slim female body. The common perception of this ideal is that of a slender, feminine physique with a small waist and little body fat.The size of the thin ideal is decreasing while the rate of female obesity is simultaneously increasing, making this iconic body difficult for women to maintain. This creates a gap between the actual appearance of an average woman’s body and its expected appearance which, depending on the extent to which the ideal is internalized, may have serious psychological effects.
The degree to which women are psychologically affected by the thin ideal depends to what extent the ideal is internalized. An article from a journal written by Ahern, et al. highlights these ideals. Women generally relate the ideally thin body to positive life outcomes such as happiness, confidence, and romantic success, and consequently a majority of women value the thin ideal to some extent.
However, it is important to recognize the distinction between women who are aware of the advantage of thinness versus those who internalize the ideal and make it a personal belief system. Although the idea of the thin ideal seems omnipresent, not all women identify with the ideal in the same manner and not all are affected by it negatively. For example, after seeing an image of a thin woman in the media, some women may fantasize themselves as thinner and more attractive. To some, this exposure to the thin ideal may make thinness seem more attainable and act as [a] motivational factor in self-improvement.
I’m not the world’s leading expert on this subject, barely having discovered it myself, but here’s how I understand how The Thin Ideal operates in my own life:
The vast majority of images that I see in magazines, in movies and on television are of extremely thin women. Most if not all of those images have been photoshopped so even they are not real. I rarely see images of “real” women. And the thin body type that is promoted is very rare. For arguments sake, let’s just say that only one percent of women can achieve that very thin body type (in reality I think it’s less than 1% of women are this way naturally).
Here’s the problem. We think that we are supposed to have that body type because that’s all we see. We don’t know that it’s a rare body type, a unicorn. We think there is something very wrong with us if we don’t have that thin body. That it says something about our worth in the world. And even worse, if we don’t have that body type, it says that we are unlovable, undesirable, ugly, gluttonous, lazy and other terrible things.
What we also don’t see is that behind the rare birds, the very thin women that we know and see, is a whole host of eating disordered behavior in order to maintain that body type. I know many people first hand that go to very extreme lengths of starvation and over-exercise in order to maintain a thin body. It’s pretty all-consuming.
And it’s not just adults that are consuming this unhealthy image of women. Teenage girls grow up seeing these images and think that they HAVE to look like that to be desirable. This can often lead to eating disorders and depression when they can’t reach this impossible goal. Thankfully, there are clinics like Honey Lake who are able to help improve their mental health and realize that life is more than just what you see in the magazines.
It’s so draining. Even maintaining a “thinner “version of my own “larger” body became a full-time job. I was almost always trying to deal with hunger, figuring out how I was going to get “my food” and eat only and exactly that, listening to people talk about how they were going to do the same, engaging in online discussions about how to live like this, yadda, yadda, yadda. It became my life, my identity. And the stress involved in all of this? It was pretty pervasive.
I spent a great deal of mental energy beating myself up for not doing “it” perfectly.
I thought I was doing the right thing.
I thought getting and staying thin is what I’m supposed to do or I’m doing life wrong.
If I’m not thin, isn’t there something horribly, terribly, disturbingly wrong with me?
Now I know what you might say.
You might say that you don’t care what your parents or society thinks about your body, that you are too smart for that nonsense. That you’ve been reading Healthy Girl’s Kitchen all along because you’ve got a health concern that you are dealing with or you want to avoid disease in the future.
Well, I’m here to tell you that maybe, just maybe, that’s all b.s. too. We’ll talk about Health at Every Size in the next blog post.
Personally, I was interested in dieting for cosmetic reasons only. I was lucky and young and I had never had a serious health issue before going on a diet. Sure, I thought if I could avoid having health issues in the future, that would be AMAZING! But come on, I don’t control the future. I might not even be alive tomorrow. I want to be thin now! Let me find someone, someway, some plan, some person who can just teach me how to stay thin! And if it can align with my propensity for being an environmentalist and an animal welfare sympathizer, well then, watch out, I’ll preach it to the world!
Did you know that if we lived in the year 1900 we would think that thin was unhealthy and unattractive? That we would be reading magazine articles and advertisements about how to change a thin body into a thicker one so that we could be more loved and accepted?
Regardless, it’s all ridiculous.
What’s so crazy to me now is that I’ve spent the greater part of the last decade of my life chasing something that wasn’t even maintainable for me.
That’s why I know that for me, dieting was The Life Thief.
But stopping my attempt at shape shifting is the single scariest thing that I have EVER done.
And every single day I doubt my decision.
But then I remember The Thin Ideal, and once seen, I personally cannot unsee.
Or fall back asleep.
It’s wonderful to read about and hear you as you evolve. Most people who adhere to a certain philosophy, once they change you never hear from them again. Good for you!
Hi Wendy!
I can’t tell you how excited I am for this series. You and I have a lot in common, and seem to have found out about this “intuitive eating” and “health at every size” thing around the same time. I became vegan for good reasons 9 years ago, but within a few years discovered a lot of the more restrictive diets within the plant based world, and have struggled because of it. I still get mixed up over thinking about “health” when it comes to my food choices, and the whole whether or not to use oil is a serious obsession to me sometimes! (I have all those doctors voices in my head about every food choice I make sometimes!)
Anyhow, I so appreciate this conversation from a vegan or at least someone who has been in this plant based community.
Looking forward to your next post!
I’m fascinated! I’ve had a very similar journey to yours and have arrived at the same place, though I am still working on internalizing the lessons of intuitive eating. I think that part can take awhile, but I am working on it. Thanks so much for sharing your journey!
“I’m woke.
Is that even how you say it?”
So as a former South African I would say
“I woke up “
and indeed you and so many of have. We seem to have traveled this same path seeking thinness ( Is that even a word? ) and health!
Does our journey need a new name ? Wholeness Goodness and Graciousness so that we may go forward as “menches “. And play our role as adults making us and this world a better place and let me say this too As women or female adults too. This can be a gendered conversation too. (Although not specifically looking to exclude anyone)
So many of US
How I hate typos
Yes, yes, yes!! I have gone through the same thing for most of my adult life. I was a skinny kid but, when I hit puberty, I grew very curvy & attracted a lot of attention that made me very uncomfortable. I gained weight easily & noticed that the larger I got, the less people paid attention to me. SO, I kept gaining weight until every time I looked at myself , I hated what I saw. I tried to lose weight & was moderately successful. Still overweight but healthy. Somehow, my thinking got twisted & I really started dieting. Never able to “get to goal weight” I felt like a failure & this led to more self loathing. After torturing myself for years, I have decided to try loving myself for a change. I too no longer have crazy food cravings since I have stopped dieting & find that being healthy & loving who I am is so much more important than the number on the scale.
It’s really crazy how parallel our stories are-with one slight difference. I haven’t really given that much attention to the thin ideal, but I have been woken up to the fact that not only don’t diets work, but in all likelihood will make me fatter than when I start them. So even though I am utterly miserable about the current size of my body, I simply can’t risk another diet. That, and that after several months of NOT dieting. I just can’t go back to that life.
I am fervently hoping that with enough time and exposure to the body positive movement, I will learn to love or at least accept the shape that my body chooses to take.
This has really got me thinking. I’ve followed your blog for years, Wendy. I was a part of the HGK FB group but then got to a point where I could no longer abide BLE (or SPT for that matter) and because of that, left (which I’ve since regretted because there were a lot of really cool people in that group). Most recently, I’ve adopted IF and OMAD as my ‘golden ticket’ to that ever-elusive ‘perfect thin body’ and ongoing ‘ideal health’. Reading your most recent posts, however, have really made me question what I’m doing….
Thank you!!
The more I’m thinking about it, the more clear it becomes that we are creating this struggle and then telling folks that there’s something wrong with them as they struggle.
What a can of worms, huh Wendy? I had never heard of the list you listed until a few months ago. I had spent the better of 35 of my 55 years chasing thin. Unfortunately my mother’s opinion of my fat was not subconscious – it was spiken to me more than I can tell you. It’s very scary to give up the thing that consumes you – who will you be and what is your normal? I’m working every day on this. Just being me. Loving me, lumps and all. Unlearning obsession. Living in the moment. Looking foward to the next blog! Hugs!
Wendy this is wonderful. Thank you so much for sharing. Your next step, once through these blog posts, should really be a book on this topic. You’re a gifted writer and your journey has and I’m sure will continue to inspire so many. Grateful for your words, wisdom and honesty.
I found watching the Grammy’s last night very disturbing. The women were all too thin and flaunting their skin and body parts in a way that just perpetuates this whole system.
I agree with much of what you say – I started dieting at age 12 because a friend on a sleepover said that my side of the bed sagged because I was heavier than she was. That went on for years through many types of unhealthy diets and yo-yo weights until finally I became pregnant and realized I needed to eat healthy to have a healthy baby. Then I started eating for health and over the years discovered plant-based food I enjoyed. My weight never changes now and I am thin, not because I worry about it but because I am feeding my body healthy, plant-based food. I no longer have cravings or binges or restrict anything. I do enjoy learning more about healthy food (follow Dr. Greger’s videos), but if someone brings birthday cake, I enjoy it! I treat exercise the same way – swim, walk, and do Pilates because I enjoy them and they keep my body moving, which keeps me healthy. I sleep 7-8 hours/night and meditate because I enjoy how i feel when I do that. There is a lot more to health than just what we eat, including healthy relationships, too. May each of us find what we need to be healthy, enjoy life, and contribute to others, but that may not look the same for any two people 🙂
Welcome, Wendy. So glad you’re here.
I had to stop reading your blog because the persistent chase of “The Thin Ideal” was making me feel like I was doing it all wrong. I eat food from all different food groups, I use salt and oil when I cook, I dont love yoga, and I choose to longer be obsessed with the number on the scale. At some point I figured out that fighting those “last 10 pounds” was not a good life. Id have to restrict my eating to get there and then continue to restrict myself in order to stay at that weight. I really dont want to give up ice cream and cake for the rest of my life. Not worth it. Now the work is to accept my body’s “happy weight” and get really clear that this is where I need to be.
Im grateful that I decided to check your blog “one more time.”
Hi. Wendy – we are on the same path. I became totally frustrated in riding the feast or famine merry-go-round. I eat healthy and am working on listening to my body tell me it’s time to eat. This takes time to achieve that balance but so be it. I cannot go back to the diet world. Thank you again for putting your writings out there!
Hi Wendy. A long time ago I sent you a private email message concerned because on your blog individuals were asking “how much kale they could eat?” I knew this was eating disorder behavior and we had a short email exchange about it (not sure if you remember? Totally fine if you don’t! 🙂
However, so happy you have entered this new world of HAES (Health at Every Size), mindful and intuitive eating, and body positive. I am a therapist in NJ and this is a lot of the work I do with my clients. This is great stuff and important work but be prepared…..There are many, many people who don’t get it….don’t believe it…..think it’s ridiculous etc. In the end we all have to follow our own path and find peace. May you have peace with your food and your body!
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